CHOPSTICKS - Not So Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 7.7/10

January, 2013

"Chopsticks" – Restaurant, Chinese

66, Mississippi Street

Minister’s Hill, Maitama, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Chopsticks Management

Dear Chopsticks Management,

This is a not so strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

The good news is that although Chopsticks isn’t as special as it was about a decade ago, the quality of food has, for all intents and purposes, not significantly diminished. (I know…talk about a backhanded compliment, but I’ll explain soon).

About a decade ago, Chopsticks was ‘THE Chinese restaurant’ in Abuja. This is not to say that Chinese food was not available in other places, but that Chopsticks used its authenticity, fine dining (at least compared to other restaurants in town then), and overall unique experience to surpass all others. Now, Chopsticks is still a nice restaurant that still feels like fairly fine dining (once again, compared to the average restaurant in town), while the quality of food here has only very slightly reduced (or perhaps that’s because I am now an MSG-paranoid adult and was an easily excited kid back then).

To clarify though, your menu is good because it has the variety one would expect of a Chinese restaurant. Most of the dishes are quite yummy although not mind-blowing. The service at your restaurant is good and the waiters are usually very helpful. This is especially noted in how almost every evening one eats at Chopsticks, there is at least one customer being surprised for a birthday or achievement, which are each usually followed by dimmed lights, loud birthday/congratulations music, and jolly waiters holding a sparkling candle.

Furthermore, your restaurant is well set-up, being significantly more understated than I remember (once again, maybe I was just an excited kid back then). Does the interior seem a bit dull to me now? Yes. Is that a bad thing? Not at all. Everything seems to be very clean, with white table cloths and white cloth napkins. There are various sizes of tables to accommodate groups as large as 2-12 and maybe even more.

I like that your food is served family style, where each main dish (such as black bean beef) is served in a large quantity and various types of rice or noodles can be ordered separately. Best of all about this is that each order can feed about three (non-greedy) people. This means I also commend you for doing a good job by having take-away boxes readily available. Although on the slightly higher side of things, I believe the pricing here is reasonable because a customer can literally leave this restaurant feeling like their overall experience was worth the price. Moreover, the amount of time it takes the appetizers and main dishes to arrive is reasonable too. The appetizers themselves are only a little above average but fulfill their purpose.

All in all, I think the best thing about Chopsticks is that your restaurant does not mess anything up. (Yet another back-handed complement, I know…but it’s true). By maintaining a fairly consistent dining experience worth its fairly high price, you are doing a fairly good job and are worth being a place for people to seek fairly fine dining. In fact (and here comes the first true compliment), you are indeed worth people going to for their birthday or accomplishment celebration dinner. As proof, a lot of Abuja Residents’ stories include the phrase “that time we were at Chopsticks to celebrate……”  I wouldn’t know what more to ask from you.

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Chopsticks and would like to respond.

Warm Regards

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     This is a positive (and thus, not so strongly) worded letter, primarily because the overall experience here is worth it.

2.     It is on the higher end of things as far as pricing goes.

3.     Parking is readily available on site.

4.     Groups of 2-12 can dine here.

5.     There isn’t anything too special about this restaurant that one wouldn’t expect given its price and that Chinese food isn’t rocket science. That being said, it is still worth patronizing.

GRILLS IN & OUT - Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 5/10

January, 2013

"Grills In & Out" – Restaurant

No. 3 Bangui Street (Off Adetokunbo Ademola Way)

Wuse 2, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Grills In & Out Management

Dear Grills In & Out Management,

This is a strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

Your restaurant has appalling service and the wait time for food is too long.

I had to lead with how bad the service and wait time for food are because those two things alone take this from being a potential 7/10 to a 5/10 experience. I mean, your menu is very impressive and the food was not bad but the entire dining experience as a whole is something of a mess.

To clarify some things:

(In case you don’t already know)

Waiters should ask what a customer wants and then listen attentively to the order, if not even write it down because if they make a mistake (which was the case when I visited) it would reflect very poorly on the restaurant, especially given how long it takes the food to arrive.

Also for the sake of clarity, I should mention that if ‘honey springrolls’ take 30 minutes to arrive, they should at least taste like little drops of honey heaven, which in this case they didn’t. They were below-average springrolls that had honey dabbled on them. Not worth the curiosity that drove me and my friend to order them.

Furthermore, when our second appetizer, the “Mediterranean platter” arrived 49 minutes after we ordered it, it should at least have included not just 2, but rather all 4 of the seafood items the menu promised it would have. If some seafood items were lacking, as they were in this case, the waiter should have told us before putting the order in.

Moreover, when two people are dining and one person says “we will have the (insert name of 2 appetizers here)”, you shouldn’t bring the first appetizer and place it in front of one of the guests, only giving that one guest silver wear and not explaning why the second appetizer hasn’t arrived yet. In that instance, it is clear that the appetizers are for the entire table of 2 and so in order to avoid the awkwardness of one of your appetizers taking more than the embarrassing 30 minutes the first one took, place it in front of both people and provide both guests with silver wear.

Even worse regarding appetizers (yea, I’m still on appetizers and haven’t even gotten to the main courses yet) is that the waiter did NOT ask us what our main orders were when taking our appetizers order. This was escalated by the fact that the waiter literally did not check on us until after the 30 minutes it took for our first appetizer to arrive (which someone else and not the waiter who initially served us delivered). This meant that after our appetizers finally arrived and we asked how long it would take for our food to arrive were we to order from the “Nigerian Grill”, which is an assortment of different Nigerian dishes with sides of dundun, booli, or rice as options, we were very disappointed to hear it would take at least another 30 minutes. This made us believe we would be stuck in your restaurant for at least another hour and a half. No bueno.

Thus, not only did the appetizers (don’t worry, I’m getting off apps now) take forever, but you also haven’t trained your waiters about how to prompt customers to place orders in a way that allows their meals to transition smoothly and have them out within 2 hours. Oh, and by the way, 2 out of 4 of your appetizers suck as has been confirmed with the poorly made springrolls (who messes up springrolls?)  and the fact that the Mediterranean seafood platter was composed of some breaded but very dry seafood that had no (but certainly needed one) dipping sauce.

Going off the mess that is your service and the amount of time it takes food to arrive, I’d once again like to commend you on the depth of the menu. There is a Mediterranean Grill and a Nigerian Grill portion of the menu. The Mediterranean portion of the menu includes an assembly-line style stir-fry where the customer can select 3-4 types of protein, some vegetables, a sauce, and pasta or rice, which are then stir-fried and thrown in a bowl. I suffered great disappointment from realizing that of the 7 proteins you claim to have, only 5 were actually available (seafood like squid that I was excited to have was missing). Meanwhile, the Nigerian Grill has options of different meats accompanied by one of three sides. Assuming a lot of the other items on the menu were actually present, the menu is (in theory) a great one.

My recommendation is that you train your waiters, take some time to assess how long it should take a customer to get in and out (over 2.5 hours doesn't cut it), and that you review the execution of the items on your ambitious menu.

I had a terrible dining experience at your restaurant and the quality of food did not make up for it. This has made me feel ashamed for previously defending the silliness in your name, having initially argued that it was appealing (I mean, come on, what exactly do you grill?...really, even the menu is lacking in grilled items. More like Asian, Seafood, and Nigerian Food In & Out) I now think instead of appealing, the name Grills In & Out is mostly deceiving.

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Grills In & Out and would like to respond.

Warm Regards,

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     This restaurant puts the exclamation mark in ‘great intentions, poor execution’.

2.     Despite the shortcomings of the service and overall set-up, the depth of the menu here still makes it worth trying at least once if you have 3,500 Naira to spend per meal.

3.     Be ready to sacrifice (at least) 2 hours here in order to have a full meal.

4.     The service is terrible.

5.     Not everything on the menu is truly available.

6.     The menu (should) has a decent range of seafood, which is great if you love seafood.

7.     I love that they had chopsticks available. I really enjoy eating stir-fry bowls with chopsticks.

8.     There is outdoors seating, which is actually quite adorable.

9.     This is a unique enough place to take someone in order to give them a special experience in Abuja. Just tell them it’s unique and not necessarily amazing.

10. The food is good, not great. Is the food good enough to make up for the terrible service? No.

BUNNA CAFE - Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 4/10

January, 2013

"Bunna Café" – Coffee Shop/Bar

Third Floor of the Silverbird Mall

Wuse Zone 4, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Bunna Café Management

Dear Bunna Café Management,

This is a strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

Since I haven’t tasted too many of your beverages, I will give you the benefit of the doubt by making some assumptions.

Firstly, I’d like to commend you on the idea of placing a coffee shop in one of the busiest buildings in the city. For all intents and purposes, you are a front runner in what I feel is the inevitable rise in the popularity of cafes in Nigerian society has as been the case in many other developing and developed nations. That being said, the execution of this well-conceived notion is terrible.

There is almost nothing about this café that makes the 500 Naira on average cup of coffee worthwhile.

In classic strongly worded letter fashion, I will go ahead and rant about my terrible experience at your café on 11.30am on a Tuesday:

I walked in and said “I’d like a mocha please”, to which the lady taking the order rudely asked “which one?” I then said, a regular mocha, at which she asked again “ehn, which one?” So I looked up at the menu (initially intentionally avoiding it because I wanted to see how fluidly an order could be made) and said, “the classic mocha”, to which she then replied “ehn, you’ll say the classic mocha now” (because of course “regular” and “classic” mocha differ greatly). Nonetheless, I won’t hold the impatience and rudeness against the lady as the ZERO other customers in line before and after me may have made her feel I should be more expedient about ordering.

Anyway, after the lady took my order and the 1,000 Naira note I paid for the 600 Naira medium sized beverage, she simply said “you can sit down”. As I was utterly confused, I asked “do I get any change?” and she said “yes, I’ll bring it to you with your coffee. Shey you’re staying here and it’s not to go”.

And now the rant:

(yea, I was just warming up above)

Alright. Firstly, I never indicated that I was staying to consume my coffee. Secondly, how about you first let a customer know the reason why you will not be giving them their change right away? Thirdly, why so rude? Fourthly, why is it that when there were only 6 other customers, 5 of whom were already served, it took my mocha over 10 minutes to get to me? Let’s assume it was because the mocha was made with love and care (some coffee shops do indeed make an unnecessary show out of making beverages so that wouldn't be too odd…no sarcasm intended), in which case, my next question becomes why was there whipped cream on my mocha without me being consulted first about whether or not I wanted whipped cream on my mocha? Oh, and by the way, I HATE whipped cream on a mocha. Also, let’s assume the whipped cream thing is as a result of the establishment being in a society where health consciousness is stressed to a significantly lower degree than others and so whipped cream is ASSUMED to be a yumminess that all people enjoy in mochas despite the unnecessary calorie intake and detraction from a mocha’s true taste. With that assumption, my next question is why is there literally only one plug-in/socket in the entire café area? Especially when the café has available wifi? I mean, I understand, and in fact embrace the fact that wifi here is not free but requires one to purchase it because, hey, you’re located on the busiest floor of a public building and you don’t want moochers (although you should still consider finding a way to give access to paying customers). Nonetheless, why not have some plug-ins for your customers who do decide to patronize the wifi portion of your business? Does it seem like great business acumen when people cannot charge the devices you expect them to pay a fee to browse on?

But all that aside, let’s go to the main question shall we? Why did my mocha taste disgusting? There is no other way to put it. It tasted as though I was having a regular cup of coffee where the coffee beans were burnt (at least a good cup of regular coffee would have been less harsh tasting) and then whipped cream was dumped on top of it. Either that or you somehow used a bad batch of espresso or cocoa (me not knowing what other logic could make a mocha taste so bad but one of those two things). What I do know is that the taste was harsh and unpleasant, even despite the whipped cream that was forced on me. I can unequivocally say that after having drank mochas from even small non-chain sketchy coffee shops in who gives a f* Grinnell, Iowa (no offense Grinnell) and random gas stations in Bowling Green, Kentucky, this is the worst mocha I have ever tasted. (Yea, I just said your coffee was worse than gas station coffee). It isn't just that it was not as good as others, it is that it literally tasted terrible and very much unlike a mocha. In fact, like I said, it did not taste even as good as a decent cup of even dark-roasted black coffee. I felt like running home and getting some of that instant Nescafe coffee, throwing some Milo in a cup with it, and enjoying a significantly better cup than whatever it is you served me.

Rant over.

My strong words being delivered, I will give your café credit for its beautiful wooden interior and nice set-up. I even like that there is a liquor bar with counter tops on one side of the large café area. This means that people can get an alcoholic drink and perhaps catch a game on the big screen TV behind the bar. Furthermore, I like coffee shops that deliver my beverage to my table in nice ceramic cups and saucers and so for that I give you kudos. In fact, I believe a customer can literally walk in, find a seat, and a waiter would approach them with a menu.

Unfortunately, my tongue lashing reignites when I think of the temperature in here. Why was it so warm and uncomfortable? I will assume it is because the entire Silverbird building has central air and so you have little control over the temperature. In which case, my advice is that you get some control over the air in your coffee shop where warm beverages are served and employees are exposed to warmth as they prepare drinks. I don’t want a sweaty barista and I damn sure am unhappy to be seating here with my uncharged ipad, writing this review while sweating.

Sure didn't help you that on my second visit, I ordered a chai tea latte and although this time, I tasted some chai tea latte in there, it was much too sweet to allow that kick that should come with the drink. I'm beginning to think you just don't know how to prepare the beverages that truly validate a cafe visit versus one just preparing their own coffee at home. Furthermore, during my second visit, I felt warmer and began to sweat, which was when I looked up and realized that during my first visit, I had sat near the one air conditioning unit you have and so during the second visit I when I sat far from it, I felt even warmer and more uncomfortable than the first time.

After those first few poor experiences, I have decided to not waste anymore hard-earned money on beverages at your establishment. I do promise to try a regular cup of coffee soon, at which point I will re-rate you and write a new review. Until then though, please get yourselves together for the sake of the few of us who love coffee and coffee shops.

                                                                                                                             

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Bunna café and would like to respond.

Warm Regards,

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     This café is not worth spending money on unless you visit the bar for an alcoholic beverage because you very badly need an alcoholic beverage on this very floor of the building and is not willing to walk somewhere else to get some.

2.     The prices are actually reasonable in theory but terrible since the coffee ends up not being worth it.

3.     The interior is nicely furnished and when the blinds are raised and the sun is just at the right point in the sky, the wood allows one to enjoy a refreshing glow. Also, the café usually appears to be neat, making it a nice spot to sit in and get some work done (provided it isn't at a time when building is packed, given that this is in fact the busiest floor of the building and the noise will spill into the cafe).

GRILLER'S CAFE 99 - Not So Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 8/10

January, 2013

"Griller’s Café 99" – Bar/Hoohah/Snacks

Back Entrance of the Silverbird Mall

Wuse Zone 4, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Griller's Café 99 Management

Dear Griller’s Café Management,

This is a not so strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

Congratulations on creating something that in its simplicity manages to be brilliant. There is nothing individually exceptional about this place, and yet there are many things that as a whole make this a great spot to chill. Most importantly of all, the café serves its purpose.

Before I continue though, may I ask, what’s with the name? You don’t seem to grill much of anything (unless shawarmas and escalopes allow one to rise to the justification of being called a grill) and your name suggests that you are some Abuja classic landmark that has been around since 1999, when I am fairly certain that in 1999, the land you occupy was sand and ruble. Nonetheless, a name is just a name in this case since your locate is such that your customers need not remember your name. It literally does not hurt your bottom-line because even after I myself have spent over 4 hours at this “café” on more than 3 different occasions, I had to drive over and check which name to use for this letter I am now writing.

Moving off the odd name, I want to commend you on having waiters and staff who have positive attitudes and overall good intentions. Yes, the service is still lacking to some degree in that the waiters seem a little awkward at times but for the most part, the waiters are mostly attentive, willing to help, and do not give customers a negative vibe. Similarly, the atmosphere here is relaxing and easy to spend a long amount of time in, especially given the fact that although a customer feels exposed by being outdoors near the entrance of one of the busiest buildings in Abuja, there are railings and a veranda roof that makes it feel like the exposure is limited. Also, thank you for not ruining this place with loud obnoxious music. In fact, this is the only reason why I will allow you to call yourself a “café” and not a bar (which is actually more of what you are).

The next thing I want to praise you on is your menu, which has quite a number of snacks and even some food like rice. Initially, the rice threw me off because this place does not evoke restaurant-esque vibes. But then, I guess considering that the Silverbird Galleria is so excluded from much else, if one were craving some rice, why not get it from you? Furthermore, most of your menu items are things that are easy to prepare and can hardly be messed up and so rice falls in with the group. Rice being adequately (more like excessively) discussed, great job with the Shawarma. Priced at the fairly standard 1,000 Naira, your chicken shawarma is yummy, well-wrapped (nothing more annoying than a shawarma that falls apart as you eat it in public), and has a decent amount of chicken in it. Furthermore, you have shawarma and cheese for 1,200 Naira that tastes amazing for anyone who loves cheese (although the quality of cheese isn’t anything to go wild about but hey, it’s shawarma).

When a hookah is placed in front of me, the first three things I worry about is if I can get a pick to move the coals around myself, if there would be enough coal available consistently throughout my smoking it, and if it is well-prepared (flavors in the right quantity and such). That being sad, you get an A for covering the essential bases for sheesha smokers. Furthermore, you have mouth pieces and so an entire table can share without giving each other mono (or laziness as the disease is known in Nigeria…..what? Ever hear of a Nigerian being diagnosed with mono?) There are other details like what type of coal is used, which variety of flavors are available, and how many pipes the hookah has that take away from my experience, but most other places in Abuja that provide sheesha suffer from similar problems.

All in all, I think this is a great place to visit for a drink or snack if one is at the Silverbird Galleria and they want a beverage or snack but like me hate the crowds inside the galleria itself. You have done a great job in creating a positive environment and most of all, I commend you for not being a greedy capitalist like most other businesses at the Galleria by keeping your prices reasonable (I know I would have much higher prices than you do were I running this place). This café is certainly worth the experience.

                                                                                                                             

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Griller’s Café 99 and would like to respond.

Warm Regards,

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     This is a positive (and thus, not so ‘strongly’) worded letter.

2.     This is a great place to hang and get a drink, a snack, or some hookah if you’re waiting for your movie to begin or if you have some other business at the Silverbird Galleria and want to relax in between, before, or after.

3.     This is an amazing spot for groups of 1-8. You can easily join tables together to make long tables and there is some form of refreshment for everyone. You can also just chill here alone and watch some soccer with a beer without feeling awkward.

4.     The prices here are reasonable, especially given the location and how much traffic management could and does get. That being said, the place is hardly ever at capacity, except during major soccer games and so it is still worth going to in the hopes of finding a spot.

5.     They only have three sheesha flavors but it seems like a lot of places in Abuja have those same three: Grape, Watermelon, and Double Apple (oh and Mint but I believe Mint should be mixed with other flavors and isn’t a flavor worth mentioning on its own).

6.     The waiters here appear to be stumbling a little at times but are so positive, attentive, and eager to please that you have to take the awkwardness as a sign of eagerness, which is good.

7.     The menu has a lot of edibles. It is arguably pricey from a ‘simple rice and meat costing around 1,000 Naira for why naaa’ perspective. However, given the location and the fact that other menu items are reasonably priced, it is fine.

8.     They have badass shawarma and cheese for about 1,200 naira. As far as shawarma and cheese, this is the best I’ve had in Abuja so far because they aren’t stingy with the cheese or the chicken.

9.     Drinks are reasonably priced.

10. Hookah is very reasonably priced. A whole 1,000 Naira less than hookah at Bamboo.

11. If you don’t like being stared at or watched by people as you spend time chilling, eating, and hanging with friends, this place isn’t really for you. Especially on weekends.

12. If you have a hard time finding seating here, I recommend you walk up to the bar and talk to the waiters and they usually try and find something for you.

Klub Vaniti - Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 5.5/10

January, 2013

"Klub Vaniti – House of Cubana" – Night Club

130 Ademola Adetokunbo Crescent,

Wuse II, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Klub Vaniti Management

Dear Vaniti – House of Cubana Management,

This is a strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

From my review of your website and the interpretation of those I spoke to who have been attending this night club frequently for many months, it seems as though the House of Cubana (HOC) is an entity, within which there is a night club called Vaniti. Your branding approach being acknowledged (and in fact admired by me), all I know is that I entire a large mansion-like building with the word Cubana in large neon lights and do the ‘clubbing’ there.

There is nothing in particular that you are doing wrong. You just are not a very fun night club for a night of, well, clubbing. The first time I went here, we got a table, got a couple of bottles, a hookah, and initially had a good time because we arrived just when the DJ was finishing up his round of 3 or 4 bad tracks and then played 5 good ones in a row, before playing 7 bad ones again, and then 3 good ones, and 5 bad ones, at which point, we decided to move on to the next club. Here’s a hint, if people are not going wild and dancing and bumping to a track the DJ plays, it sucks.

Moving off that tangent, this is a decent club to go to with a group of 3-8 friends on a night when the group pays for a table/bottle and have a decent time. However, for a regular night of clubbing where people literally want to walk into a club, get a drink or two and have a good time dancing and socializing, the experience at Vaniti is not worthwhile.

The first major issue is that there is really nowhere for people to just stand and dance and chill without getting a table, in which case, because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into the club, on a busy night all the tables are quickly taken up as is all the little standing space there is. Now, it is a large club with various sections, but this works against the club because it still doesn’t give that illusion of exclusiveness and the only space available for the casual clubber is in front of the bar (often crowded, making it hard to get a drink), and some awkwardly placed high tables and stools here and there. All this would not matter of course if the music was consistently good and there was space to dance. But the music isn’t and there wasn’t space. The music is 3 good tracks to every 7 average or bad ones. It is just very hard to get a straight solid hour of enjoyable clubbing here.

Once again, there isn’t anything in particular that this club does that is wrong. There just aren’t that many things that are impressive about it either.

All in all, I think you have done a decent job and simply need to find a better DJ and a way to make your clubgoers feel less awkward. Even on the nights when I decided to go with my friends without getting a table, it got so awkward we decided we would like a table/bottle but didn’t even know how to go about achieving that, or who to ask, or which section to go, or if to just go and occupy a free table like we did the last time we got a table/bottle. Perhaps a waitress walking around asking what people at high tables need in the way of drinks would help and allow people who want to enquire about taking up a table and getting a bottle?

                                                                                                                             

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent HOC and would like to respond.

Warm Regards,

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     There isn’t anything particularly wrong about this club, except that it easily gets boring.

2.     It is still a place where crowds go so perhaps that could justify going there on a weekend night.

3.     Want to enter a large place with a lot of people, darkness, and extremely loud music? If yes, then Vaniti would suffice. Want to have a great clubbing experience? If yes, Vaniti should at best just be a stop along your way to it.

PLAY - Not So Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 8/10

January, 2013

"Play" – Night Club/Lounge

167 Adetokunbo Ademola Street,

Wuse 2, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Highlights/Review section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Play Management

Dear Play Management,

This is a not so strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. This letter has been written after multiple visits to Play, which has allowed me to form strong opinions about the establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

Simply put, Play is one of the hottest night clubs/lounges in Abuja. However, Play's, perhaps unintended by you, yet dual definition as a club/lounge holds it back a little. Although it seems like you intended it to be a night club because of the volume of the music, role of the bouncers, and size of the entire place, people who go to Play end up doing more lounging than clubbing. This isn't necessarily a bad thing provided customers didn't aim to use Play as their sole source of clubbing on a particular night anyway. But if people plan to go proper clubbing and don’t want to spend a significant amount of money on their first stop (because they’ll need at least a second spot to satisfy their rave-crave (^TM pending J)), Play would not be a good choice.

The main challenge that Play faces is that although the entire building has a lot of space, you have so many U-square-shaped group seating set-ups that it feels as though the entire club was created for only people willing to buy a bottle and effectively justify taking up a table. Basically, there isn't enough space in Play to let one feel like they’re actually clubbing. Existing as a partial lounge would be alright except that the music is too loud for group conversations and so the excess amount of group seating seems counter-intuitive  Furthermore, as I mentioned before, the overall atmosphere is more conducive for clubbing rather than lounging. Added to the inadequate clubbing space problem is the fact that there are two tiers of VIP sections, one being the all-white furnished room surrounded by see-through glass (once again taken up by group seats), and the other seeming like a vault that leads into another section usually manned by a bouncer who screens entrants into the room (but by which criteria I absolutely cannot figure out for the life of me since he always lets me stroll into it even though I have never paid for a spot in the room).

Fortunately for Play, the general set-up that makes it feel cramped and more lounge-like than club-like is actually one of its best characteristics. This is because Play seems exclusive through and through. The exclusiveness even extends to the door, where from what I hear people get turned away occasionally. I will assume that you turn people away primarily based on how they dress and how you feel they will impact the overall atmosphere of the club. That being said, the crowd in Play usually looks better-dressed or at least in general more upscale than those in most other clubs in Abuja. Furthermore, the fish bowl all-white furniture section, the vault-door VIP room, and even the general club area are well-furnished, nicely arranged, and look classy. Moreover, customers feel special as the entrance to the club is a roped red carpet, which leads to a and enchantingly long red carpeted hallway that leads up a staircase and into the club.

On that note, it is safe to assume that what you as management are aiming for is to justify your high drink prices by selling the promise of a night where the customer feels important and exclusive. I mean, part of clubbing is looking good and feeling good, as well as being in an environment that looks and feels special; Play definitely allows customers to feel this. Furthermore, most nights, people do end up dancing and that clubbing feeling partly kicks in. Nonetheless, there’s still a lack of that 'free-for-all I’m here to rage' clubbing feeling because there is hardly ever a reasonable dance floor that gets packed. On the other hand, one could argue that it is actually awesome that there isn't a dance-floor that gets packed and the bouncers tend to regulate the club’s capacity so those who don’t like crowds and prefer to stick with the group they came with rather than easily meet new people when they club are satisfied (I wouldn't know why anyone would go 'clubbing' to achieve this though).

All in all, I think you did a great job because a night at Play, although on the pricier side of things, has the potential to be a very special night…provided one goes with their group of friends and as a group is willing to spend quite a bit of money.

                                                                                                                             

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Play and would like to respond. I will be willing to revisit Play and update my review for this establishment if you feel I have overlooked something worth mentioning.

Sincerely,

Akanmu

Highlights/Review

1.     This is a not so strongly worded letter, meaning I feel Play is being run well.

2.     A night at Play has a very exclusive feel to it.

3.     Play seems better for lounging than clubbing, but the music is too loud for lounging so it’s a catch 22 (maybe I should open my own club and name it that).

4.     Play is very well furnished and has an overall impressive set-up.

5.     Parking may be challenging on busier nights, especially since cars can sometimes block each other. However, it is amazing that the establishment invests in parking assistance and so people who work for Play help you park and help when you are ready to leave.

6.     The pricing here is on the higher end of things but is justifiable and definitely isn't obnoxious enough to disallow one from having a good time.

7.     If you want to go proper clubbing: as in you want to rave: or as in you want to rage, then Play is not a good choice.

8.     I wouldn’t recommend going here with less than 3 people. However, if you get dressed up and want to feel good all night with your group of friends (at a price of course), Play should definitely be one of your stops for the night.

KETCHUP - Strongly Worded Letter

AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com

Rating: 6/10

January, 2013

"Ketchup" - Restaurant/Sports Bar

Omega Plaza, Aminu kano Crescent,

Wuse 2, Abuja, Nigeria.

Please see the bottom of this letter in the Questions for Management section, as well as the bold sentences for the brief version of this letter/review.

Letter to Ketchup Management

Dear Ketchup Management,

This is a strongly worded letter to express my opinions following my experience at your establishment. This letter has been written after multiple visits to Ketchup, which has allowed me to form strong opinions about the establishment. I should inform you that this letter is being made available to the public through the internet, primarily for the purpose of empowering or entertaining other consumers curious about your establishment.

Defining what Ketchup is (despite what you as management were shooting for) would hopefully allow this letter and my strong words to make much more sense. Merely calling Ketchup a restaurant would fail to acknowledge its true nature. As such, for all intents and purposes, Ketchup is a restaurant/bar. This is mostly because from what I’ve observed, a large portion of your customers tend to use it for drinks and casual hanging out that includes indulging in sports games via the two large screen TVs, rather than primarily for food. However, I will note that Ketchup does in fact have a restaurant-size/scope menu. So, what this verbose introduction is getting at is that you have managed to put together a rich enough menu to qualify as a restaurant, while also being able to preserve the feel of a bar through your atmosphere and a decent drink menu. Congrats ….if that’s what you were aiming for.

Unfortunately, for you, the adventure to define what Ketchup truly is in the prior paragraph was primarily to point out that the restaurant/bar characteristic is working against Ketchup in this case. For this to all make sense, I will go ahead and throw some rhetorical questions at you (because taking the long trip to define ketchup was not unconventional enough, as neither was this sarcastic tangent) in the hopes that answering them will shed some light on why this establishment with a potentially genius and extremely unique set-up; fairly ambitious, yet well executed food menu; and perfect location in the city of Abuja manages to somehow scream mediocre through its inability to decide if it’s a lounge, sports bar, restaurant, or even garden-wannabe (downstairs portion of the restaurant). Basically, Ketchup lacks focus. This lack of focus is also reflected in the quality of service (or rather lack of).

Questions for Management:

-         Why would I want to go and sit down to a 3,500 Naira per person meal and be unable to have a decent conversation because there is loud bar-volume music, as well as loud bar-level voices from everyone else trying to speak over the UNNECESSARILY LOUD (like these caps) music?

Yes, I acknowledge that I forfeited my rights to an uninterrupted meal the moment I decided to go to this establishment who’s main unique feature is that the entire restaurant/bar is outdoors and the main section is a terrace that juts out of shopping plaza, which at 2 stories overlooks one of the major roads (Aminu Kano) of one of the major areas (Wuse 2) in the city. The terrace where people are seated and eating/drinking initially looks wobbly and sloppy to the eye (assuming the average human associates order and symmetry with beauty). However, something about people subjecting themselves to scrutiny by strangers as they wine and dine is actually very interesting and arguably even enticing to most. However, the sloppiness is immediately re-identified once you try to enter the restaurant/bar only to discover that you have to circumvent some three air conditioning units (or whatever those outside portions of ACs are called) and cars parked in the plaza lot to climb up a narrow path of stairs that lead to a mostly unattractive landing. However, I won’t hold the plaza’s architectural misgivings against you and instead point out that your sloppiness exists in many of the next few questions:

-         Why is this place either always packed with too many people or even when half full, has a feeling of being over-booked because the small wobbly metal tables are conspicuous and no waiter seems keen to help a customer find seating?

-         Why also is it that when all the tables are taken and the main area is indeed full (by all logical standards since I didn’t come to buy a meal and eat it at a small wobbly metal table with strangers), the waiters go ahead to ask people already seated if they mind sharing their table when one would have to be a jerk to say no since the newcomers who need a place to sit are beside the waiter asking you and are also waiting for your response?

-         Why is it that when the restaurant is full, the waiters don’t ask more people to go to the downstairs portion that, although lacks the uniqueness of the terrace, would allow Ketchup to maintain the first come first serve rule of life?

-          Why do the waiters take so long to give me a menu each time I walk in and sit myself at a random table after wondering if the number on each table means it was already reserved?

I know the bar feel is maintained by allowing people to sit themselves, yet, I somehow recall waiters suddenly taking an interest when the restaurant is full and they want me to share my diner with a stranger who just walked in.

-         Why is it that after the waiter finally takes my order, the food takes so long to come out?

-         Why did me and my friend order at the same time, and yet you brought mine out first claiming that you didn’t want it to go cold, and so, being the gentleman that I am, I had to make my lady friend feel guilty because I refused to start eating until her food came, thus, not only did your lack of coordination cause my food to go cold, but also cause her the awkwardness of watching my food go cold until she finally asked to join me in eating my French Fries, thus justifying me eating my food while hers was still being prepared?

-         Why is service here so bad that I had to write that prior run-on sentence/question, which I can’t even grammatically categorize because I’m so enthralled in pointing out defects I noted, I’m beginning to write these questions at the spur of the moment?

-         Do you think I’ve gone all Guy Fieri bad review attack on you? (Clever reference if you get it or Google it.)

-         Don’t you know that the terrible service and awfully loud music as well as poor management takes away from the fact that the menu is very evolved in its breadth and depth, with delicacies like peppered snail even making an appearance, while the main dishes give the guest an option of one out of 3 sides, making the meals large enough to justify their price?

-         Don’t you know that the rickety metal-barred tables and chairs, which add to the sloppy nature of the restaurant don’t allow me to appreciate that the Fish Fillet is pretty badass, Jamaican Chicken is worth trying, and French Fries are well-prepared.

-         Why are the waiters so grumpy and unhelpful, yet the one I had refused to bring back my 180 Naira change on time, forcing me to tip for bad service (something one should never do because bad service is just insulting) or wait longer than the 10 minutes I had already waited for while expecting my change?

-         Do you realize that the vast menu and quality of food alone were enough for this review to be an 8.5/10 but everything else was so bad that we landed on a 6/10?

All in all, I would recommend Ketchup as a place for people to try JUST ONCE (simply because it’s one of those main spots to eat in Abuja and get out of your system). Other than that, I would tell people to only go to Ketchup if they have a fair amount of money to spend on an experience that is barely worth the price when you could spend the same amount of money on better places in town. This place isn’t particularly pricy. It is just expensive enough that it should provide a much better overall experience than it does.

                                                                                                                             

Please feel free to contact AkanmuAbuja@gmail.com if you represent Ketchup and would like to respond. I will be willing to revisit Ketchup and update my review for this restaurant if you feel I have overlooked something worth mentioning.

With Warm Regards,

Akanmu